Temporary Bliss

    recently had understood what   distractions meant tools, used to fill your mind with  to escape reality or a thought  ironic isn't it  how you use a thought to escape another thought a false reality to escape reality  a lie to escape the truth  and as you lie in bed the warmth you've shared the laughs you've had  the glances you've stolen  all come rushing in  and you push it all away  as you grab your phone from the bedside table  insomnia  some may call it to you it's a routine  you can't close your eyes for a second because you know who'd you see the boogeyman  jk rofl bye

  to prioritise and to be prioritised   is what i muttered under my breath  tilted my head back waiting for the burn at the back of my throat  sat at a round table  promising myself to know when to stop   to feel nothing at all is when you truly feel  everything at once the overwhelming wave  after wave  of grieve  when you don't even know what you're grieving  except maybe the loss of a little piece of your soul your heart?  your mind trust, patience and every other value that makes you you   the will to do it again the want to feel again  and the need to be loved again  why do you, and only you  give so much  to be given so little  to not be prioritised  the way you prioritise  to drive in the rain  aimlessly that familiar lump in your throat the tear in your eye is no stranger     to feel so much  a curse or a gift...

  gets you smiling doesn't it   you connect with someone and you think "this is it" "we click" you market yourself like a product  anything to get them to like you you tell yourself you're tired of it and then you do it again  if you're anything like me you get attached  and you'd think it'll last  you'd give it your all  until one day  you no longer receive the same energy  you wonder what you did wrong  and then you realise  everything is temporary  especially feelings  the only reason people stay  for as long as they do is respect and you deserve it

  too much of something   makes nothing  that's why you crouch in a corner  feeling as numb as ever  describe what you're feeling, you could never furious? i'm upset, no wait glad, or whatever  what if it's only because your heart & mind  can't take the feeling that's unkind  and numbness protects you from your demons down the line  you know you're anything but fine  this is how it's gonna be you're in a war no one can see  you can't run, you can't flee it's serenity at a fee