january - vantablack

 to prioritise and to be prioritised 

is what i muttered under my breath 

tilted my head back

waiting for the burn at the back of my throat 

sat at a round table 

promising myself to know when to stop  

to feel nothing at all

is when you truly feel 

everything at once

the overwhelming wave 

after wave 

of grieve 

when you don't even know what you're grieving 

except maybe the loss of a little piece of your soul

your heart? 

your mind

trust, patience and every other value

that makes you you  

the will to do it again

the want to feel again 

and the need to be loved again 

why do you, and only you 

give so much 

to be given so little 

to not be prioritised 

the way you prioritise 

to drive in the rain 

aimlessly

that familiar lump in your throat

the tear in your eye is no stranger 

  

to feel so much 

a curse or a gift 

i'll never know 

to be able to write tho

a blessing for sure