self-destruct

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i often wonder 
what motivates the way i do things  
could it be the life i want to have 
or the life i never had 

do i genuinely want to be happy 
or do i let myself believe
that it makes me happy 

i notice i push harder 
when life is tougher
when i'm at my lowest 
and i figured it out 

this self destructive,
self sabotaging 
dysfunctional part of me 
that decides pain drives me 
and further inflicts pain 
even when it doesn't hurt
so imagine tearing yourself down 
thinking it helps you get better 

fuck this 
sleep makes everything better 
music heals
time is not a friend 
contentment is a myth

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