Temporary Bliss

  on a good day   i could never stop smiling  i’d say sorry a billion times  say funny things to make you laugh  on a good day the sun shines so bright  the sky is perfect  the sunrise, the sunset, the smell of rain on a good day  i’m skipping about   empowering and productive  it looks like i’m doing great  but the good days are gone  or so it feels  there are no rainbows  or clear skies  it’s always grey or dark or gloomy  the sun is hidden i stop appreciating  the sunrise, the sunset, the smell of rain the good days are gone  or so it feels  i can no longer smile as i used to  breathing is harder than usual  it’s rage, at times   and i don’t know how to handle it  i can only sit by myself  i can only choke back tears the good days are gone  or so it feels  i no longer feel driven  it still looks like i’m doing gre...

  i cannot find the words   to describe what it is i feel  it's like you're gasping for air in a sea of people no one sees you  or hears you  it feels like you're choking but not quite  does however make it better to write it out helps me face my feelings  accept them  and do nothing about it it's a safe space  ?  is it tho  a state of mind it's defined when your mind only does the thinking  but this, it's a feeling and the heart does the feeling,  doesn't it  if you're feelings are associated  with psychology & neurology  then why does it feel like  a tight squeeze  on that fist-sized organ of yours  isn't it eerily beautiful

do you notice how  it takes almost all of you to build your happiness  bit by bit  every minute of every day every day of every week  to feel as content as you are today  to feel happy on your own  nothing's wrong,  no one's hurting you  and yet you go in search  of that one thing you know  will and you feel that familiar  pang in your chest  but you continue to look and at this point you've somehow managed to make yourself unhappy again  thoughts, feelings & shit  you know it was your fault  you wanted to know  and sometimes  just sometimes  ignorance is bliss  here's to another starless sky  here's to another sleepless night  the thunderstorm, your old friend  that playlist, familiarly playing in the background  and as you sit at the edge of your desk, facing out the window with your favourite view, that very silence at 3/4am ...

  here is a vow to myself   as i sit here staring at the pale moon  eyes as sunken as ever  hurting as always  i promise to never  let myself get hurt by another  and to never put myself  after the ones who don't bother  to put my happiness and needs first  because i deserve all of the above  i gotta learn to focus on what matters  to make it big, without a shoulder  this time, it won't come as a shock i would expect for the outcome  and i'd know better  it wouldn't hurt as much  but i'll stay on my path  putting myself first.  prioritising myself.  i will not fake my happiness to make you happy  that's the thing about caring too much  you push it all out  until you have no more  nothing  this time tho, i'm giving it all to me

i often wonder  what motivates the way i do things   could it be the life i want to have  or the life i never had  do i genuinely want to be happy  or do i let myself believe that it makes me happy  i notice i push harder  when life is tougher when i'm at my lowest  and i figured it out  this self destructive, self sabotaging  dysfunctional part of me  that decides pain drives me  and further inflicts pain  even when it doesn't hurt so imagine tearing yourself down  thinking it helps you get better  fuck this  sleep makes everything better  music heals time is not a friend  contentment is a myth

    recently had understood what   distractions meant tools, used to fill your mind with  to escape reality or a thought  ironic isn't it  how you use a thought to escape another thought a false reality to escape reality  a lie to escape the truth  and as you lie in bed the warmth you've shared the laughs you've had  the glances you've stolen  all come rushing in  and you push it all away  as you grab your phone from the bedside table  insomnia  some may call it to you it's a routine  you can't close your eyes for a second because you know who'd you see the boogeyman  jk rofl bye

  to prioritise and to be prioritised   is what i muttered under my breath  tilted my head back waiting for the burn at the back of my throat  sat at a round table  promising myself to know when to stop   to feel nothing at all is when you truly feel  everything at once the overwhelming wave  after wave  of grieve  when you don't even know what you're grieving  except maybe the loss of a little piece of your soul your heart?  your mind trust, patience and every other value that makes you you   the will to do it again the want to feel again  and the need to be loved again  why do you, and only you  give so much  to be given so little  to not be prioritised  the way you prioritise  to drive in the rain  aimlessly that familiar lump in your throat the tear in your eye is no stranger     to feel so much  a curse or a gift...

  gets you smiling doesn't it   you connect with someone and you think "this is it" "we click" you market yourself like a product  anything to get them to like you you tell yourself you're tired of it and then you do it again  if you're anything like me you get attached  and you'd think it'll last  you'd give it your all  until one day  you no longer receive the same energy  you wonder what you did wrong  and then you realise  everything is temporary  especially feelings  the only reason people stay  for as long as they do is respect and you deserve it

  too much of something   makes nothing  that's why you crouch in a corner  feeling as numb as ever  describe what you're feeling, you could never furious? i'm upset, no wait glad, or whatever  what if it's only because your heart & mind  can't take the feeling that's unkind  and numbness protects you from your demons down the line  you know you're anything but fine  this is how it's gonna be you're in a war no one can see  you can't run, you can't flee it's serenity at a fee